Finding "Me" Time

Yesterday was a follow-up appointment day at my doctors. I got out of bed deciding that I was just going to do the SAHM hair bun instead of showering because I wanted to work out afterwards. Went through the normal circus of getting the boys ready to go, which of course took longer than the actual drive to the office. I'm sure taking the kids with you to an appointment is the same as what I go through, which is something I had posted about last week when I went to the optometrist. It's repeating " Inside voice", " don't touch that", " please sit down", " can you guys please just behave", " here, have a snack". I don't even remember what it's like to actually go to a doctors appointment without kids. That's why it is always a blessing to find an office that is family friendly and goes out of their way to converse with your kids to keep them happy and busy at the same time. One of the things I skipped doing before I left was putting concealer under my eyes to help hide the purple rings starting to show. You see, my toddler still isn't sleeping, which in turn means that -I- am not sleeping. Sometimes the concealer is the only thing that helps me not look like a zombie the whole day. The boys were out of control in the waiting room. Not running around, but not using their inside voice either. My youngest gets really excited about the fish and shrieks with joy over them. Then when we got in the office, it was them opening drawers, crawling on the chairs, or just asking the doctor their own questions. In the middle of all the chaos, my doctor asks me " Do you get any time to just relax? Other than nap time that is."  All I could do was smile.
" Not really" I replied. " MJ doesn't take naps anymore. Sometimes I will ask him to go into his room and just read for 20 minutes, or put a puzzle together, that way I can sit on my bed and read the paper, or journal. But that's about it."
" Do you workout?" she asks.
" Well, we just bought a treadmill, so I have been running three days out of the week, sometimes four. But I have to have the kids in the room with me." I replied, mentioning that our workout room is also their playroom with a television.
" You need that time for yourself." she says. So much easier said than done. " Have you thought about talking to a therapist?"
I sigh. Because again, with my husbands work schedule, I can't find time to talk to a therapist, and even if I could, our insurance doesn't cover it. Therapists....they are not cheap. So I explained that, and she just sits, thinking quietly to herself.

I realize that I'm not alone in this, and that it is other mom's, not just railroad wives/husbands that deal with this. But if you are a RR parent, you understand completely how it is. Our significant other's job does not allow them to simply take off a day or even a few hours to allow us to go to appointments on our own. If we get sick, we deal with it unless it's so bad that we can't even get out of bed, we may get lucky and have them actually get to stay home. About a month ago, my husband and I both came down with bronchitis. I completely lost my voice, he had a temperature and horrible cough. He still went in to work. But when he came home, he immediately went to bed and slept like the dead. My youngest had croup, so along with me being up all night coughing, I was up giving him steam showers and trying to rock him to sleep. At one point I was up for what felt like 24 hours. 

We talked about "me time" on a post the other day, where one of my FB page followers, Brittany, said "  As far as "me" time... I am pretty well planning on never having any or relying on family members for it. With the railroad, I don't see how it is possible to have that and get to spend quality time with your husband when relying on him"

Which is sadly true in some cases. I am always jealous about RR Families that have close friends or family near them. We have never had that luxury being that both of our families live in Ohio and we are all the way over in Washington State. Holidays are often just our family, which obviously is wonderful, but when you have grown up always spending those days with grandparents and relatives, it's hard not having them around for your own children. That leaves tremendous guilt on our hearts. 

As for actual "me time", I want that time to be with my husband because we rarely see one another. I don't whine for it, so let's get that down on the table first. I will own up to the fact that the first year we were together I definitely tried the pity game. But I learned fast that life doesn't stop to comfort your hurt feelings. My kids need me, my house needs me, but more importantly my husband needs me to be strong and in control. It's tough, and there have been many, many, MANY days where I have needed to just walk in my closet, close the door and cry. I spend many nap times either mowing the lawn, working a laundry or mopping my floors. There are days where I just say screw it, I'm laying down or I'm going to read because I deserve it. But I also want to get those things done during naps because then I have more time to spend with my children, or when he has an actual day/s off, we can spend that time together as a family. His job also makes me the bad guy 9 out of 10 times, which I have also learned to just deal with. Since I am home the most, I am the one that lays down the law. I am the one that deals with the most temper tantrums or the " I hate yous". With the limited amount of time my husband has with our boys, I don't always want him being the bad guy. Don't get me wrong, if his foot needs to be set down, it goes down. But I want my children to remember their father as being loving, calm, and there for them despite having these crazy work hours.

It is my choice to spend that me time with my husband, I get that. I could go out with friends for coffee or whatever, but I choose to be with my husband and family. My reasoning is, as a child, both my parents were workaholics. I was essentially raised by my grandparents, which don't get me wrong, I was incredibly blessed to have them in my life and not a day goes by that I wish they were still here. But I don't have a normal relationship with my parents because of it. Due to the fact that my children don't have any other family around them, and that we move just about every two years, I want to make sure they have the most normal, happy upbringing as possible. I want them to feel comfortable enough to talk to my husband and I with issues. I want them to have the relationship I always wanted with my parents. The way I look at it is, I've had my years to be with friends and do my thing. It's now my family's turn. No, that doesn't mean I completely ignore my needs. It just means that *I* ( and I place asterisks by that meaning it's solely my decision, no one has made that for me) choose to make my children happy before myself. Manicures and pedi's can wait. That sweater on sale at the Gap, another one will come along. That episode of House Hunters? I can DVR it and watch it at a later time. If nap time is the only me time I get, so be it. Worse things have happened. I don't think I will look back on that moment in 25 years and say " Dang, I should have dragged the kids to Target to get those sheets that were on special that day".

Me time. I laugh to myself when I even say it. Don't get me wrong, I would love it. But I'm okay with not having it all the time. I went to date a check today, and when I looked at the calendar to see what date it was, I couldn't believe it's already the 27th of November. My youngest will be two in January. 

!!!!!

Before I know it, my little guys will be in school and I won't have to worry about me time anymore. I'll have it. Thinking about it makes me kind of sad. Excited yes, but sad nonetheless. I guess what i am saying is, no matter the job, our kids are only kids for so long. So if taking that moment to breathe behind a closed door is all you have for the day, soak it in. " It's only a moment, it's not forever"

And to those of you who work, whether it be the railroad or whatever else, don't ever feel guilty for not being there. You are providing a stable income for you family; clothing, food, education, etc. That is an extraordinary gift. I may not have realized it as a child, but now as an adult I realize just how hard both of my parents worked to allow us to have a good life. Did I resent them at the time? I sadly admit yes. I missed them a lot, and wished they would be home more often. Your kids may not realize it now, and yes it hurts, but I promise you in a few years they will forever be thankful for how hard you worked to keep your family going. All of you are doing an amazing job, and never forget that. Always take a moment to pat yourself on the back and tell yourself you are doing a good job. 

I can't speak on behalf of you that have husbands working as conductors, engineers, yard masters, etc. I only know my husbands side of things. From talking with most of my FB followers, and some other RR Wives I get some what of a picture of what it is like for all of you. I welcome you to please share your stories, your stresses, and what you do to keep family life as normal as possible. What works for you? Let's help one another in this as much as we can. 

More importantly, please communicate with your partner. If you do need the me time, sit down and work something out with them. I don't know the actual statistics, and if anyone can find them for me that would be great, but the RR does have a negative effect on some marriages. In my opinion, it's the lack of communication. My husband and I always talk about everything. EVERYTHING. I don't think I can stress that enough on how important that is. I'm obviously not a professional, but keeping all of your concerns in isn't healthy for either of you. If you need that me time; whether it be for a workout, shopping, coffee, or just a walk to get out and breathe, you do what you can to sit your family down and let them know. 

Family Outside the Railroad Circle

Gee, it's nice to hear from you too...

     

      Unless you have family members that have worked for the railroad, no one really understands what it's like for you & your family when it comes to your SO's work schedule, and attitude outside of work. I'm lucky because my father, my aunt and a few other relatives have been employed with a railroad in the past, so they know how it goes. My husband's family on the other hand...not so much. 

      We used to get a lot of unhappy phone calls from his parents saying that we never call enough, that they never get to see him on Skype, or that a lot of other family members are upset that we don't keep communication going on. I fully admit we were guilty of that, and learned that I had to be the family representative because my husband just wasn't going to do it. I would say it wasn't because he didn't want to talk to his family, but that's kind of how it is. For him, his day is spent constantly on the phone and his computer. Up at the crack of dawn to check emails, send out reports and do his conference calls. Then the rest of the day it's a continual cycle of the same conference calls, meetings, dealings with his crew, emergencies, etc. Plus he also drives around the entire Sea-Tac area to visit the terminals that he helps overlook. When he comes home, he wants nothing to do with technology. And it's the same on the weekends; he just wants to relax, get stuff done around the house and spend time with his family. Before we even dated he had the same issues with family getting angry at him for not getting back to them in a timely manner. That's when he was just working three-on/three-off and going from days to nights every other week. The schedules throw every single person off in your family. It doesn't just affect them, it affects you & your children as well. It wasn't until his parents came out during a week he didn't have vacation, that they fully understood the pressure he was under with this job. 

     I'm not sure how it has been for you and your family dealing with the craziness of the railroad life, but that's how it has been for us. We don't get much of that anymore from his mom & dad, but there are still others on his side that don't get it. Now, also understand we don't completely ignore everyone. We are just a little late when it comes to getting around to phone calls, or sending out gifts/cards. These days I am learning to plan ahead of time and actually be punctual when it comes to getting our greetings. But as in any other family home, things ultimately slip your mind and you end up behind regardless. Railroad life + parenthood = disaster on your brain cells. 

   I also remind them that we don't have the luxury of having him home or talk to when he need him either. My husband still hasn't set foot in MJ's preschool, and probably never will. He never got the chance to see him play soccer during the summer, and sometimes he doesn't even make it home for dinner OR bedtime. That's why -our time- is very important to us, because we don't have him around very often as well. 

   Growing up with two parents that were workaholics had both its ups and downs. While I only saw my parents on the weekends, I spent my weeks with my grandparents...which I am so very,very,very thankful for. I love them with every inch of my being, and was blessed to have had them guide me through most of my life. But growing up I never had a relationship with either my mom or dad, actually...I really didn't until I had my own kids. They never made it to any school activities or functions, when they were home they were always tired and cranky. I felt left out because my mom never did my hair, never packed a lunch. I never wanted it to be that way for my children. I feel very fortunate that my husbands job allows me to stay at home to take care of our boys, so at least one of us can be there for them. We try very, very hard to keep their lives as normal as possible. 

    Every job comes with it's hang-ups. Whatever your family does to make it work, stick with it. Don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty for making it work. Since moving to Seattle, our life has been changed dramatically. It's a whole new ballgame. I can't lie, it has been tough on our marriage, but we keep our lines of communication open all the time because it's what pulls us through. If it means having to put other people outside of our home to the side, well, sadly it's going to be that way. Our family first, always. Sometimes no matter how hard you try to explain, it won't matter. 

People will always take it personally until they are in your shoes. 

This is my husband...Totally.

Friendships and the Railroad

     One of the hardest things about being married to the railroad is finding/maintaining friendships before & after you move. I depended on my husband for conversation, but it just wasn't the same as having another mom around to understand the daily frustrations of not only kids, but life as a mom in general. Not to mention his moods after work, he didn't really feel like talking about baby food or having to deal with my emotions all the time, which is understandable. 

     I pretty much thought that I could just make friends with some of the wives & families that my husband works with and be okay. But I really craved a lot more than just their company. It's not that they weren't friendly or fun to hang out with, it's just....you can only take so much train talk. Plus sometimes their kids aren't the same age, or they don't have any kids at all. There's nothing wrong with wanting to get outside of the RR Wife realm and wanting to meet new people. But how do you do it? I'm not a shy person, but for some reason when it comes to meeting new people...I freeze up. Especially when we just moved somewhere and I have no idea what is going on or where to go. That problem was solved after I ran into one of our neighbors at a local park in MN. She told me about MOPS, a group that she helped manage that met at a local church every month. They would make brunch, then have speakers or other activities for mom's to take part in, and the best part....the kids came too. Only they would go to various classrooms and do crafts, or have reading/play time. So it was a chance for a mom to talk with other mom's about the stresses of being a mom to kids that are preschool age or younger. I loved it. When a few mom's found out that we wouldn't be having a traditional family Thanksgiving, they invited our family over to their homes for dinner. If something came up such a a tragedy, or a new baby arrival...these women banded together to make meals for families to help them out. Last spring we made gift bags for Military moms. I just felt...at home. I met so many wonderful women and my children made amazing friends. Play dates were planned, so were dinners and nights out for us whether it be bowling or just going to a cafe to have coffee and talk. Plus, if you move, you can locate another MOPS group in the new city you are going to. My new MOPS group starts this Wednesday, but we have been to every summer play date so I was able to make friends quickly. They are very accommodating, and make you feel like you have been a part of the group forever, which is what i really love. 

      For more information, or to find a local MOPS group, click here!

Through MOPS I also found a club for my boys, well...at least MJ since he is 4. It is a Church program, but the children do a lot of crafts and activities that really help them not only grow, but make new friends. Awana is a really great program for kids starting at age 2-6. MJ loves Cubbies. Plus I met a bunch of other parents through this program as well. 

Some other sites to help you out:

 Red Tricycle gives you loads of activities for your kids that are near to you or the biggest city near you. I have found it's easier to make friends through activities you do with your kids. 

Moms Meetup helps you locate other groups in your area that allow you to meet up and join moms & their kids for activities. 

If you are married or dating someone on the RR and you don't have children but want to make friends, I have found through other railroad connections that joining a gym, or taking an exercise class helps find people to hang out with too. Libraries, coffee shops, sports leagues, or maybe a class like learning how to sew or cook. Take a chance at trying something new, it rewards you in more ways than one. That way even if you have trouble making friends, you have something to fall back on to keep you busy. I've always wanted to learn how to crochet. I know in the last town we lived in, the local schools had programs that taught beginners how to knit. And as always, talk to your husband/boyfriend about getting his co-workers families together. I know BNSF does a lot of family days where they have picnics or go to baseball games. I've met two other wives through that and we have play dates every so often. It's always good to have RR wives around just to have that same connection with the RR Life. 

 The biggest thing is, you have to put yourself out there, which I understand is really tough sometimes, but once you do you are golden. Trust me. The only downfall to it is that you leave amazing people behind as you go, but you always have them as friends. My entire MOPS group from MN is on my Facebook friends list. I still talk to them on the daily. 

I hope this was of some help. I just know how frustrating it is for many of us to get out there and meet people, especially when you have children. I really, really, really highly recommend MOPS. It was the best decision I ever made to join that group. Good luck and as always, if you have any questions, contact me or ask to post on the FB wall to get others to chime in with their suggestions. 

     

Everything Happens for a Reason

A long, long, time ago I was 25 years old and living a really confusing life. Without going in too much detail, I will just say that a lot of bad things happened all at once. Like...seven life altering events occurred within months of one another. It was crushing. And every time someone would say to me " Everything happens for a reason", I wanted to punch them in the face. I cannot even count the number of times I asked " WHY?!?!?" during a 24 hour period. If I was given a dollar for every time that word came out of my mouth, I would have a beautiful vacation home along the coast somewhere.

Today I sit here, two beautiful children running around my home that I share with my amazing husband and i think....wow, they were right. Everything does happen for a reason. It makes the story of your life. There's this song by Avett Brothers called "Offering" and in this song are lyrics that read " And I've known others
And I've loved others too ; But I loved them cause they were stepping stones ;On a staircase to you.
And that is how I think of how my marriage to my husband came to be. A series of stepping stones set by my mistakes and trials of life. That's how it works for all of us. That whole thing about making it through the rain so you can see the rainbow...as cheesy as it is, it's so very true. I can't hate the mistakes in my life. Because without them, I wouldn't be where I am today, nor would I be able to educate my children to not do the same. When you learn to accept what you have done, and use those choices as a tool to change for the better...you can do no wrong. However, when you choose to ignore those mistakes and place the burden of your responsibility for them...you will continue to lead a life that is laced with complications. I'm not saying that you'll never live without consequences even when you do abide by your choices. But it will make it easier to guide your way through them. This is coming from my own experience, please don't take this as preaching. I've just found that this has been the case for me. None of us lead the same lives, so everything is different for all of us.

That being said, this past weekend has been a very difficult one. Three very good friends of mine have had incredible losses. Two of them lost parents, and another one is dealing with a very tragic drunk driving accident that left her husband close to losing his leg. I find myself troubled because I'm so far away from all of them and feel like my words through social networking, are meaningless. It's such a struggle. Especially because I can identify with my friend whose husband was in the accident, I was once in her place very long ago, although not married, but with someone I very much cared about. I read her posts about being so frustrated and sad, and not knowing where to turn. She is very strong in her faith, but I also know about how angry you can become when it comes to that faith sometimes. My situation didn't have a happy ending. But that is because the person I was with at the time was struggling with many issues and just wanted to give up. I know her husband is nothing like that,so I feel like my advice wouldn't help her. So when thinking about her situation, " Everything Happens for a Reason" popped into my head, and I thought " Gosh, I hope no one says that to her...."

I think I am so....wrapped up in all of this right now because I'm listening to music and can't help but relate lyrics to some of life's situations. Then I get all emotional, but very thankful for where my life is now. There was a time where I did just want to let go of it all, if I dare be so honest. I'm glad that I didn't. Because no matter how sad, or difficult life may seem, there is always something beautiful to remember about it.

So I leave you with two things. An image and a link to an amazing song. Be sure to blast the song. It's way more special when it's loud.

Avett Brothers Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise

Life is Funny. Losing Relationships is Not.

    These past few weeks I have begun to notice a really bad trend on my social network feeds. And it has been amongst people that I am or have been close to in life. Both friends and family. I don't know what has been going on with people lately, but there is so much anger and bitterness. I had left a status saying "Apparently it's ambiguous, passive-aggressive, crappy status week on Facebook. I must have missed that memo." Because it really seemed that way. Maybe I, along with some others, are just too thin-skinned and read way too much into things. But regardless, we are all adults now. Adults with jobs, families of our own, and responsibilities. There is so much more going on in this world, and life is too short to be so mean and judgmental. Especially when it is towards people you call/ed friends. I have been guilty of it in the past, I can fully admit to that. And then when it happened to me, I felt the hurt that I made someone else feel and I vowed to never do it again. But mostly, I've learned that since moving so far away from my home and loved ones, friendships & family mean everything. You realize just how much you love them when you need them the most. And you aren't doing yourself any favors by leaving such snotty things on a social forum for everyone to see. 

    Another parenting page left this status the other day, and I loved it. 

 " I think sometimes we forget that social media sites are made up of real people. Every hurtful word that's carelessly flung hits someone. The web is not a free pass to be our anonymous, worst selves. If we're not kind on the internet, then we're not kind."

   I expect ( but do not respect or condone) trolls to be hurtful and unkind. But when people I've known just about my whole life act that way, I'm totally stunned. Even if it isn't towards me.

Now, onto the other side of this topic. Sometimes it is hard to look past what people say. Words hurt. There are times where I sit and think " I cannot believe that Facebook/Twitter ( or whatever) is causing me this much stress." I know I am not alone in this feeling. It's crazy, isn't it? Crazy and stupid.  I use these networks because it brings me closer to home. It is an obsession, yes. But I have no other way to share photos or updates on our life with my parents or in-laws. Some days I want to completely delete my accounts altogether just because people can be so mean and childish. Other days I want to comment and be just as snarky, but I know that by doing so I am no better than that person, and that it will just cause more problems. I try to remember that I'm not alone in thinking that what they said is completely out of line. I know that I have my family, my home, my pets. I live in an amazing city and have done/seen so much that it makes my head and heart spin. The bitterness people project onto others says more about them than it does you. Take the high road, and leave it off the internet. It's tough sometimes, but really, you will be the better person for not saying anything. 

I have lost friendships over something totally stupid said on Facebook. Some of them have been with friends, some even with family. It is really difficult to maintain those types of relationships when people are so far away. It's like text messages, because you can't really grasp the emotion being used when people send them.  We all have so much going on in our lives that it becomes overwhelming at times, and then you hop online, read something and a trigger is pulled. We lose our patience, feelings are hurt and the damage is done. I've learned that walking away is all you can really do before anything more happens. That stupid saying " if it comes back it was meant to be..." is really true. I have had people come back into my life that I never expected to talk to again, and it's like nothing ever happened. 

No matter how old we are, we never stop growing. You learn something new every day. It can be about yourself, about life in general, or about someone else. Just remember that you have people that love you for who you are, and know the good in you. Those are the people that matter. Not someone hell bent on being a bully over the internet. 

" If we're not kind on the internet, then we're not kind."

Getting on my Soapbox....

You know what really angers me? Judgmental mothers. I can not even tell you how angry it makes me when I see a bunch of mom's gang up on another simply because they feel their way is the best and only way. It drives me crazy!

It is this reason that I choose to keep certain subjects off both my page and blog. Because as mothers, we stress ourselves out enough that we don't need anyone else to add any guilt to our consciences. It is no one's damn business what goes on in my household, or with my children UNLESS something harmful is occurring. And there isn't, nor will there ever be. And the same goes for every other family out there. YOU and your loved ones are the people who make decisions for your home and family. if it is working for you and them, then so be it. We are all created differently. No one is exactly the same. That is what makes this world so wonderful and crazy. Yes, you can share your opinions and offer advice. But when you start ramming it into people's faces, using profanity or vulgar descriptions....that is where you cross the line.

I have seen so many of my fellow parenting pages go through this, sometimes numerous times a day, and I wonder how they continue to even run a page when they have to deal with this stuff 24-7. But you know what? It's fact they carry on because they know there are way more positive people out there that respect what they are doing over the ones trying to cause trouble that makes them awesome.

And I guess I shouldn't even narrow it down to being a mom, it's parenting in general. Parents have a tough job. For anyone to say that their child never cries, or that they never mis-behave in public...congrats. That's absolutely amazing. But don't you dare come off as being some "perfect" parent because there is no such thing. And saying your child is also "perfect" puts more stress on them than it does other parents. We all make mistakes. And it is completely okay to say that, and to accept that. You have to learn. You have to. You can;t walk through life thinking that everything is just going to fall perfectly into place, because it doesn't. Your children learn from you and you learn from your children.

My boys are happy & healthy. I am with them morning, noon and sometimes even night. We read, we play, we watch movies, we cuddle, we laugh & cry. Sometimes we even fight. ( Sometimes? No, all the time, LOL.) Parenthood is beautiful. Parenting is sleepless nights. It's spit up and throw up, it's anger & tears. It's rewarding. All of it is rewarding. But it is damn hard. Parents need to stick together. It's the good fight. Our children need us. But at the same time, we need other adults to lean on.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was 700 some miles away from my family and closest friends. We had just moved into our new home, and just discovered we were expecting. I.was.terrified. I didn't know anyone where we lived. Family sent parenting & baby books. I read them cover to cover, but still felt completely clueless about everything. Then I discovered Mom boards. With my husbands hours, there were times I stayed up all night sharing with these women. Asking questions, talking about our fears, gossiping about celebs. I learned more from them, then I did the books. Yes, their were bullies on there too, but for the most part I met a lot of amazing moms and soon-to-be moms through that site. For some of us, this is all we have. Whether it be because distance keeps us from our loved ones, or because we simply don't have anyone. Or maybe we just don't feel comfortable sharing it with those that are close to us. Whatever the reason, no one should ever be scared of asking for advice, especially if it's about our kids, our husbands, our feelings, whatever. That whole thing about walk a mile in someone else's shoes....so true.

Almost four years and one kid later, I've networked more. I have gone out and met other mom's. Mostly so my boys can meet other kids to play with. But it's nice to have that relationship with other women. The internet is an ugly place at times, and yet I can't imagine not having it around. Through Facebook I have met many amazing parents. Starting this page/blog has also opened new doors for me as far as networking goes. I've met some wonderful administrators that just blow me away with not only their kindness, but their ability to add hope and optimism into the hearts of people they don't even know.

In closing, please be kind. Everyone is fighting a hard battle. If your children and your spouse/partner are happy and your home is filled with love & laughter, don't ever let anyone make you feel like you aren't doing something right. Because that right there, is the best already.

*end rant*