Yesterday was a follow-up appointment day at my doctors. I got out of bed deciding that I was just going to do the SAHM hair bun instead of showering because I wanted to work out afterwards. Went through the normal circus of getting the boys ready to go, which of course took longer than the actual drive to the office. I'm sure taking the kids with you to an appointment is the same as what I go through, which is something I had posted about last week when I went to the optometrist. It's repeating " Inside voice", " don't touch that", " please sit down", " can you guys please just behave", " here, have a snack". I don't even remember what it's like to actually go to a doctors appointment without kids. That's why it is always a blessing to find an office that is family friendly and goes out of their way to converse with your kids to keep them happy and busy at the same time. One of the things I skipped doing before I left was putting concealer under my eyes to help hide the purple rings starting to show. You see, my toddler still isn't sleeping, which in turn means that -I- am not sleeping. Sometimes the concealer is the only thing that helps me not look like a zombie the whole day. The boys were out of control in the waiting room. Not running around, but not using their inside voice either. My youngest gets really excited about the fish and shrieks with joy over them. Then when we got in the office, it was them opening drawers, crawling on the chairs, or just asking the doctor their own questions. In the middle of all the chaos, my doctor asks me " Do you get any time to just relax? Other than nap time that is." All I could do was smile.
" Not really" I replied. " MJ doesn't take naps anymore. Sometimes I will ask him to go into his room and just read for 20 minutes, or put a puzzle together, that way I can sit on my bed and read the paper, or journal. But that's about it."
" Do you workout?" she asks.
" Well, we just bought a treadmill, so I have been running three days out of the week, sometimes four. But I have to have the kids in the room with me." I replied, mentioning that our workout room is also their playroom with a television.
" You need that time for yourself." she says. So much easier said than done. " Have you thought about talking to a therapist?"
I sigh. Because again, with my husbands work schedule, I can't find time to talk to a therapist, and even if I could, our insurance doesn't cover it. Therapists....they are not cheap. So I explained that, and she just sits, thinking quietly to herself.
I realize that I'm not alone in this, and that it is other mom's, not just railroad wives/husbands that deal with this. But if you are a RR parent, you understand completely how it is. Our significant other's job does not allow them to simply take off a day or even a few hours to allow us to go to appointments on our own. If we get sick, we deal with it unless it's so bad that we can't even get out of bed, we may get lucky and have them actually get to stay home. About a month ago, my husband and I both came down with bronchitis. I completely lost my voice, he had a temperature and horrible cough. He still went in to work. But when he came home, he immediately went to bed and slept like the dead. My youngest had croup, so along with me being up all night coughing, I was up giving him steam showers and trying to rock him to sleep. At one point I was up for what felt like 24 hours.
We talked about "me time" on a post the other day, where one of my FB page followers, Brittany, said " As far as "me" time... I am pretty well planning on never having any or relying on family members for it. With the railroad, I don't see how it is possible to have that and get to spend quality time with your husband when relying on him"
Which is sadly true in some cases. I am always jealous about RR Families that have close friends or family near them. We have never had that luxury being that both of our families live in Ohio and we are all the way over in Washington State. Holidays are often just our family, which obviously is wonderful, but when you have grown up always spending those days with grandparents and relatives, it's hard not having them around for your own children. That leaves tremendous guilt on our hearts.
As for actual "me time", I want that time to be with my husband because we rarely see one another. I don't whine for it, so let's get that down on the table first. I will own up to the fact that the first year we were together I definitely tried the pity game. But I learned fast that life doesn't stop to comfort your hurt feelings. My kids need me, my house needs me, but more importantly my husband needs me to be strong and in control. It's tough, and there have been many, many, MANY days where I have needed to just walk in my closet, close the door and cry. I spend many nap times either mowing the lawn, working a laundry or mopping my floors. There are days where I just say screw it, I'm laying down or I'm going to read because I deserve it. But I also want to get those things done during naps because then I have more time to spend with my children, or when he has an actual day/s off, we can spend that time together as a family. His job also makes me the bad guy 9 out of 10 times, which I have also learned to just deal with. Since I am home the most, I am the one that lays down the law. I am the one that deals with the most temper tantrums or the " I hate yous". With the limited amount of time my husband has with our boys, I don't always want him being the bad guy. Don't get me wrong, if his foot needs to be set down, it goes down. But I want my children to remember their father as being loving, calm, and there for them despite having these crazy work hours.
It is my choice to spend that me time with my husband, I get that. I could go out with friends for coffee or whatever, but I choose to be with my husband and family. My reasoning is, as a child, both my parents were workaholics. I was essentially raised by my grandparents, which don't get me wrong, I was incredibly blessed to have them in my life and not a day goes by that I wish they were still here. But I don't have a normal relationship with my parents because of it. Due to the fact that my children don't have any other family around them, and that we move just about every two years, I want to make sure they have the most normal, happy upbringing as possible. I want them to feel comfortable enough to talk to my husband and I with issues. I want them to have the relationship I always wanted with my parents. The way I look at it is, I've had my years to be with friends and do my thing. It's now my family's turn. No, that doesn't mean I completely ignore my needs. It just means that *I* ( and I place asterisks by that meaning it's solely my decision, no one has made that for me) choose to make my children happy before myself. Manicures and pedi's can wait. That sweater on sale at the Gap, another one will come along. That episode of House Hunters? I can DVR it and watch it at a later time. If nap time is the only me time I get, so be it. Worse things have happened. I don't think I will look back on that moment in 25 years and say " Dang, I should have dragged the kids to Target to get those sheets that were on special that day".
Me time. I laugh to myself when I even say it. Don't get me wrong, I would love it. But I'm okay with not having it all the time. I went to date a check today, and when I looked at the calendar to see what date it was, I couldn't believe it's already the 27th of November. My youngest will be two in January.
!!!!!
Before I know it, my little guys will be in school and I won't have to worry about me time anymore. I'll have it. Thinking about it makes me kind of sad. Excited yes, but sad nonetheless. I guess what i am saying is, no matter the job, our kids are only kids for so long. So if taking that moment to breathe behind a closed door is all you have for the day, soak it in. " It's only a moment, it's not forever"
And to those of you who work, whether it be the railroad or whatever else, don't ever feel guilty for not being there. You are providing a stable income for you family; clothing, food, education, etc. That is an extraordinary gift. I may not have realized it as a child, but now as an adult I realize just how hard both of my parents worked to allow us to have a good life. Did I resent them at the time? I sadly admit yes. I missed them a lot, and wished they would be home more often. Your kids may not realize it now, and yes it hurts, but I promise you in a few years they will forever be thankful for how hard you worked to keep your family going. All of you are doing an amazing job, and never forget that. Always take a moment to pat yourself on the back and tell yourself you are doing a good job.
I can't speak on behalf of you that have husbands working as conductors, engineers, yard masters, etc. I only know my husbands side of things. From talking with most of my FB followers, and some other RR Wives I get some what of a picture of what it is like for all of you. I welcome you to please share your stories, your stresses, and what you do to keep family life as normal as possible. What works for you? Let's help one another in this as much as we can.
More importantly, please communicate with your partner. If you do need the me time, sit down and work something out with them. I don't know the actual statistics, and if anyone can find them for me that would be great, but the RR does have a negative effect on some marriages. In my opinion, it's the lack of communication. My husband and I always talk about everything. EVERYTHING. I don't think I can stress that enough on how important that is. I'm obviously not a professional, but keeping all of your concerns in isn't healthy for either of you. If you need that me time; whether it be for a workout, shopping, coffee, or just a walk to get out and breathe, you do what you can to sit your family down and let them know.
